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Finally! Boy, it's hard getting near the computer now that the big space upstairs is fixed. I bet she lets him use it all he wants, though. Sniff. I've seen him. I've heard him. I think the neighbors hear him. Why is he so special? He's not as pretty as me. I'm fluffy. H's not. His tail is missing. I love my tail.

And then there's Fred. He's so...he's such a.....he falls over on top of people. He shoves between me and Mom, but then I give her The Look and she makes a big fuss over me.

There were people in the house the other day, so I had new shoes to sniff. The sleeping thing in the living room got changed. The smells were very interesting. Those boots had been all over.

The new thing seems bigger. That's good. Fred is such a big huge dork. He's huge. And a dork. I like to curl up. He likes to spread out. He takes up so much room! I'm surprised he can cross the floor without falling right over. He keeps asking me to play with him, but it's ilke he's already started playing when he asks.

Then there's Her. She's the mystery cat. I see her every now and then when Mom lets Fred back and forth through the door. She's awfully pretty. I'm awfully pretty. It's just not fair.

The other girls are just too old for me. Jezebel, well....she's cranky. And Molly...she's my friend. That's weird. But this new kitty...she's been there for a while. She's very shy. I'm just curious is all.

Sigh. Mom is muttering about 'sooop op-er-as' and 'dramma kweens'. I wonder what that means? Op-er-as are weird singing that sounds like the little kitty before Mom took her to That Strange-Smelling Place. I don't know about the other but Mom keeps saying to all of us, especially if we have a fight.

Humans are so weird.
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This is not good.

Jezzie is sitting on Mom's chest and Mom is swearing at her because Jezzie won't move. And while Mom is thrashing around, Jezzie keeps typing with one paw, so it looks....stupid. Jezzie doesn't care about spelling. She's a bad seed. She says I'm stupid, but at least I know what a shift key is. Jezzie's just too impatient.

It's hard to sleep. Mom isn't sleeping much, and when she does, she moves around a lot. The other human sometimes wakes up and looks in on her. It's hard to find a good spot to nap in, because she doesn't stay still. When she sleeps during the day, it's better.

The new girl kitty--Mom calls her Zillie---is still really shy and she's been here forever. She hisses at me and I realized she's as big as me! But not as pretty.

Ebony is weird. She just is. She makes funny noises and sometimes she just cocks her head all the way to one side and looks at you weird. She's tricky, too. She can pull her crate door shut and then she curls up in the back and watches Jezzie stand there with the tip of her tail twitching. Jezzie hates that. I think it's kind of funny.

There's chicken in the kitchen. I can smell it. Mom didn't let me get the turkey earlier this week, so this is my big chance. I have to plan and maybe take measurements. Mom thinks I'm playing with her tape measure when she finds it in the kitchen.

It's tough work acting stupid.

I'm kind of scared that with Jezzie it's not an act.
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I have such an headache. Mom left the computer and so I went looking for...stuff. Jezzie was laughting at me but then again, she thinks she's going to ship herself off to the beach in a box and steal jewelry from the tourists. Like she wouldn't stand out in a bikini or something.

So I went on the computer and I found...stuff. God, I'm in pain. I'm traumatized. I mean, Ceiling Cat, I had no idea. I looked up all the synonyms for cat I could find. I thought I'd chat.

Oh, God,

I need a nice comforting nap on the clean laundry. If I put my face in my tail the others won't see how red my face is.

Current Mood: confused confused

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Molly is SO stupid. She keeps running up to me and then swatting at me with one paw, then runs away. IF I chase her, she does a somersault and then kicks at me. Then she'll curl up next to me next to Mom when we're all sleeping. I don't get it. She's so weird.

Mom has been having these two other humans over. They make a lot of squeaky noises, worse than Molly. I keep expecting Abbie to smack them, but instead she follows them around and eeps at them! Of course....they pet me, too. And they seem vaguely familiar. I don't know why. People are weird.

We had Somethign Happen the other day, and Mom sure has NOT been understanding. There was a noise on the porch, and then mom went out there, and I heard wings flapping. Jezebel ran right out there and came back with Bird on her breath, but Mom ignored me when I climbed right up the window and hung on the frame. She's so MEAN! There was a bird flapping around in there and Mom let Jezzie get her fangs around it but not ME! And let's face it, Mom totally cannot catch birds. She's just no good at it at all. I totally watched her and she's awful. She was chasing the bird around with a broom, and the front door was open, and it was just luck that the bird got out. There went a fresh hot dinner. Really, Mom just doesn't understand things.

Really, I don't know how I deal with all these weird people. Mom is good at cuddling, though----I'll give her that. It sure is hard getting computer time, though---she has a password on the computer. Luckily it wasn't hard to sit on the back of the chair and figure out what it was. Still, it's so nice and warm in bed, and even Molly isn't so bad then. Mom pets us till she gets sleepy and then the blankets and pillows and featherbeds get all warm and....Well, I forget to get up and get on the computer. Plus, the first cat who's awake gets to stand on Mom and yell at her to wake up. That's too fun to give up.

Oh, shit, here she comes! Bye!

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I have developed a new technique to make Mom let me sit on her lap. Instead of just coming up to her and standing up on my hind legs, I stretch my arms across her lap and look up at her pleadingly. She almost caught me practicing that look in the mirror. I'll have to be careful.

It's been cold here but Mom still won't let us out on the porch. We have to check up on what's going on outside the mail slot? It's so unfair. That's always when she calls me Fuzzbutt and asks me if I want her to get the water pistol. I hate that thing. It's so gross.

Molly is so stupid. She keeps pouncing on me and then running away, or else I pounce on her and then she runs to Mom. Then she tries to chase me. Yesterday I snuck up on her and she jumped straight up in the air. It was so funny. Mom keeps talkin about something called a Supersoaker, especially when I get up on the counter, which I don't do as much as I used to. Where's my treat? She told me to stop doing it and I do it a lot less. What's wrong with that?

Of course, this might be because Mom got us this water fountain that makes the water taste better. It's a big upside down bottle and the water keeps flowing and tastes good. But there's still stuff on the counter I have to check out. I haven't knocked anything off the counter, ever, unlike Molly, who doesn't even have a big huge tail. She knocked Mom's last diet Coke over the other day and Mom was mad. I don't think I'd wnat her to make that sound again.

I have to go. I have to practice opening the doors so I can get in the bedroom and take a nice long nap.
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Mom went and got a chair and pulled something down from the top shelf in the kitchen. Then she took it outside, maybe because it was bad. It had a funny smell like something burning, and then I smelled some of the meat from the kitchen. I don't like it when she goes outside; what if she gets lost? I even brought her a present yesterday, but it disappeared when I was taking a nap so I guess she liked it. Stupid birds really are stupid. It came right in throguh the mail slot and had the nerve to try and eat our food. Watching the birds in the window has paid off because even though Jezzie and I kept running into one another, we got the bird in the end, and Mom came back from That Bad Place for humans pretty fast. Usually it's a long time and the house is scary when she's not here. No lap to sleep on, no back to nudge against when she writes on the computer, no grumpy words while she waits for the thing that whistles on the stove to whistle.

Molly wants to make a break for it again to exchange intelligence with the Resistance, but I asked her exactly what she's resisting. She pointed out that there are those sad kitties that mom feeds and that they're the resistance, but I don't know how to help them. Sometimes they look up at me when they're eating the extra cat food and I remember what it was like with my other person before Mom took me.

Mom was grumpy again today because she was talking to someone on the phone last night and drinking something sweet-smelling out of a bottle. "That's not accurate! Do these people even KNOW their ballistics? There's no missile that does that!" Every time she said something like that into the phone, she'd take a sip. I heard the word "jericho" too but I don't know what that means. She didn't seem angry; she was pretty cheerful. Usually she drinks the white stuff at night but this was a special occasion. This morning she was not in a good mood, though. "Don't base Jericho drinking games on military or logistical implausibilities," she told me, but after we all four discussed it we're still not sure what that means.

There are more windows open in the house so that we can each layin the sun and warm our fur. Abbie hasn't slapped me once today, and even Jezebel hasn't done more than twenty laps around the house. The sun makes me feel all sleepy and heavy and warm. Sometimes I can get Mom to lie down and cuddle, but she doesn't seem lke she'll do that today. She had five cups of that drink she drinks, and the whistle made me kind of crazy. "Have you been drinking my tea?" She asked me. I think I should, just so I know what she's talking about.

Humans have a weird way of expressing themselves. Mom always sounds grouchy when I jump on her lap, but she pets me till I'm all sleepy and even when she yells she sounds like she's trying hard not to laugh. And Abbie has her totally fooled. Abbie likes to play with Mom's little cars, and now when Abbie eeps at Mom, Mom gets down on the ground and pushes the cars at Abbie and Abbie just pushes them back. She doesn't even chase them or anything. She just makes Mom push them at her over and over again. Then she goes and takes a nap.

Abbie thinks she's the queen. She won't eat in front of Mom, and she won't eat off anything but human dishes. She says it's because of her teeth, but it's because she's the oldest cat and she thinks she gets to push everyone around. She's scary, and she always takes the best position on the bed. It's not fair. I'm way bigger than she is but she's just not afraid at me at all. IF I try to stand up to her, she just sits up on her hind legs and smacks me with her right paw. Then Mom laughs. When Mom's not looking, Abbie rolls her eyes at me. She's mean.

Mom's coming. I have to pretend I wasn't on the computer!
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Molly is werid. She jumps around all the time and then she laughs at me when I do something. LIke this other day, Jezebel grabbed me and flipped me over her shoulder. So not fair. But Molly wants to play and then she jumpes up somewhere like Batkitty and looks down on us. Girls are werid.

Abbie is the worst. She just gives us dirty looks when she wants to be next to mom, and then she shoves us aside if we're sitting in mom's lap! Sometimes if we're playing too loud she comes over and smacks us all. It's not fair. She's nowhere near as big as me and she acts like she owns the place. Then she's all nice and lovey dovey with Mom. And mom falls for it!

Mom was watching this funny movie the other night that had a man in bandages in it. the bandages were unravelling and they must have been heavy because he moved slowly. I hope he didn't have cats. That would have been fun. That's the wya Mom walks in the morning when she heads to the kitchen. First she does something with the water, then she mutters and says bad words and pours something into a cup and drinks it. Then she looks down at us and says in the grumpy voice, "You little hairballs." We always pretend we don't like the food and then we eat when her back is turned. Whatever is in those cups doesn't last long.

Abbie curls up on Mom's shoulder and turns into a kitten; it's just so dishonest because usually she's muttering about how me and Jezzie are 'whippersnappers.' But she plays with toys, too. It's kind of spooky. I mean, she's an old lady! Me and Jezzie don't make too much noise; we're not like Molly, who's always going, "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom." Molly was adopted so I guess she's kind fo insecure. She had a bad trip to the Bad Place and she never really got over it.

But the best time is when Mom lies down and we get to snuggle. Sometimes it's not good----sometimes she wakes up a lot. But when she doesn't, it's very nice, because we pin her down and she's like a human-shaped pillow. If she didn't have that weird water habit, she wouldn't be that bad. She laughed too loud when I fell in the tub, and she keeps laughing at me and Jezzie. But we know things. When Molly got out the other day, she intercepted messages from the Others who told us about how so many kitties don't have moms who cuddle with them. Of course, the cats that mom gives our extra food to---and hers, too----want justice against the owners who threw them out without a warning or an explanation. They're really poor, but they're really kind of scary, too. They don't last long in this neighborhood. In the summer, I'll get used to a kitty, and then he'll disappear and I'll hear the news from the next kitty; they didn't make it. IT makes MOm upset. It makes me upset, too.

I think I need a snuggle.
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  Oh, good, Mom is watching something on the little window. I must find out how she makes it open up and show things. Sometimes she watches the little window and suddenly there's birds and Evil Enemy Squirrels on the big window. Molly thinks she can touch the birds, but Molly's not exactly the tastiest tuna in the can. She still believes in Santa Claus. Abbie thinks this is undignified but Abbie thinks everything is undignified, especially me. However, I have blackmail photos of Abbie and the carrot. Mom thinks she can hide the carrot and the catnip snake from us but mom keeps forgetting we have a supernoses. She's okay, even though it's hard learning all the words that she says. "Christ on a pony!" I think that's a religious reference. One day, I found a picture of Christ on a dinosaur, but that doesn't explain the whole pony thing.

 Oh, God, here she comes!  I have to go!
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